35 Rules for Mommy from 8 month old Noah

No matter where we are, I will be clamped on

1. You must stay in sight at all times
2. You must remain touching me at all times
3. If I seem engrossed in an activity, that is not your cue to sneak off to check the oven / go to the loo
4. You must hold me all day, hanging out the washing, cooking the dinner. Use a sling and stop complaining about your sore left arm.
5. You must be my springboard to get to objects I want to explore
6. After five seconds in anyone else’s arms you must take me back
7. I don’t like the car
8. You must stay with me while I sleep, or else I’ll wake up looking for you
9. I must taste everything you are eating. If you don't offer I will grab
10. I will wee when I like, where I like, with no warning. Your talk of Elimination Communication is laughable
11. I must pretend to drink out of every cup, glass and bottle you have, please stop emptying them first
12. I want to stand most of the day, and bang things with my left hand, please accommodate this
13. Don’t think of using the toilet without me on your lap, preferably sucking your boob
14. I am not happy to be put on the bed while you put your hair into a ponytail for five seconds
15. Your phone is the only thing I want to chew on. Stop handing me that annoying giraffe
16. When I say Dada I sometimes mean Mama
17. When I say Mama I always mean Mama
18. I have as much right to use the laptop as you
19. Sometimes I don’t know what I want; in this case you must pick me up and put me down as often as I need, sometimes ten times a minute
20. I can’t crawl or walk yet, but I’ll throw myself the direction I want to go, your job is to get me there safely.
21. I will sharpen my nails on your breasts as much as I see fit, drawing blood is not a reason to stop
22. I will swing out of your hair likewise, your thinning hairline bedamned
23. I will not nap if there is something interesting going on
24. I will chuckle when you kiss my tummy, no matter how cranky I am
25. You will leak into every top at least thrice a day, because I’ll suck just long enough for you to let-down, then I’ll want to play with something else
26. I’ll snuggle into you when a stranger talks to me
27. I’ll smile at the stranger if they keep talking and smiling at me
28. Everything gets tested in the lab – my mouth
29. Light on, light off, never gets boring
30. I will wriggle and turn into you every night for milk, just as you finish feeding Charlie. We time it alternately so you get as much disturbed sleep as possible. It's bad for your brain to get into really deep sleep patterns, you won't grow as well
31. I will kick down the duvet as soon as you replace it, no matter how deep a sleep I’m in.
32. Once fed in bed, I will pull off with a smack of the lips and turn to Dada to sleep.
33. My brother is funny ALL the time, even when he cries
34. You are my Queen, but I am the Boss
35. Please don’t forget that.

You’re doing a pretty good job so far, keep it up!