Thursday, 1 March 2012

35 Rules for Mommy from 8 month old Noah


  1. You must stay in sight at all times
  2. You must remain touching me at all times
  3. If I seem engrossed in an activity, that is not your cue to sneak off to check the oven / go to the loo
  4. You must hold me all day, hanging out the washing, cooking the dinner. Use a sling and stop complaining about your sore left arm.
  5. You must be my springboard to get to objects I want to explore
  6. After five seconds in anyone else’s arms you must take me back
  7. I don’t like the car
  8. You must stay with me while I sleep, or else I’ll wake up looking for you
  9. I must taste everything you are eating. If you don't offer I will grab
  10. I will wee when I like, where I like, with no warning. Your talk of Elimination Communication is laughable
  11. I must pretend to drink out of every cup, glass and bottle you have, please stop emptying them first
  12. I want to stand most of the day, and bang things with my left hand, please accommodate this
  13. Don’t think of using the toilet without me on your lap, preferably sucking your boob
  14. I am not happy to be put on the bed while you put your hair into a ponytail for five seconds
  15. Your phone is the only thing I want to chew on. Stop handing me that annoying giraffe
  16. When I say Dada I sometimes mean Mama
  17. When I say Mama I always mean Mama
  18. I have as much right to use the laptop as you
  19. Sometimes I don’t know what I want; in this case you must pick me up and put me down as often as I need, sometimes ten times a minute
  20. I can’t crawl or walk yet, but I’ll throw myself the direction I want to go, your job is to get me there safely.
  21. I will sharpen my nails on your breasts as much as I see fit, drawing blood is not a reason to stop
  22. I will swing out of your hair likewise, your thinning hairline bedamned
  23. I will not nap if there is something interesting going on
  24. I will chuckle when you kiss my tummy, no matter how cranky I am
  25. You will leak into every top at least thrice a day, because I’ll suck just long enough for you to let-down, then I’ll want to play with something else
  26. I’ll snuggle into you when a stranger talks to me
  27. I’ll smile at the stranger if they keep talking and smiling at me
  28. Everything gets tested in the lab – my mouth
  29. Light on, light off, never gets boring
  30. I will wriggle and turn into you every night for milk, just as you finish feeding Charlie. We time it alternately so you get as much disturbed sleep as possible. It's bad for your brain to get into really deep sleep patterns, you won't grow as well
  31. I will kick down the duvet as soon as you replace it, no matter how deep a sleep I’m in.
  32. Once fed in bed, I will pull off with a smack of the lips and turn to Dada to sleep.
  33. My brother is funny ALL the time, even when he cries
  34. You are my Queen, but I am the Boss
  35. Please don’t forget that.

You’re doing a pretty good job so far, keep it up!


4 comments:

  1. Oh dear God! Did you write that about my 16 month old son? I'm still laughing!!! I am particularly familiar with number 8, it drives me nuts! B

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  2. Brilliant, had a proper laugh out loud moment there and almost woke up my little limpet (I am also not allowed to move, go to the toilet, or laugh when she is feeding) I like the way you have really got into babies mindset here!

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  3. Yes, I can hear Noah repeating them to me as I go about our day "What do you think you're doing trying to get me to sit here while you make a cuppa? I will be in your arms, thank you very much" (as he's doing the stiff-as-a-board-can't-bend-me-in-the-middle thing) Any others I've missed out?

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  4. no 34 says it all :)

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