my baby's snuggled into my chest, asleep for the last hour. he slept while we walked home from the shops, while we sat and ate crackers and cheese, while i made cups of tea, while i watched charlie draw a skeleton, now while i blog.
his little breaths melt my heart. i stopped crunching a cracker and listened to a couple, my cheek on his downy head. he might be 3 months, for all his soft squishness, but he's 15 months now.
in a few minutes he'll wake, he'll nuzzle at me until I give him the breast, he'll suck as he slowly comes to, waking up in his own time. i may still be here on the sofa. i may be upstairs, i may be walking through the hall, it doesn't matter, this sling is his nest; he's cosy anywhere i go.
does it not break your back?
he seems really happy in there
sure wouldn't you love to be a baby
that's the life
you have your hands full
do you not have a pram?
i choose to hold my baby close, to wear him on my outside as he grows, like he grew on my inside only last year. i hope he stays happy in-sling for another year or two yet, i love his small-ness, his soft hair, his sweaty head under my chin. i get to smell him, stroke his feet, put a finger into a chubby fist.
the wisps of hair over his ears that flap in the breeze make my legs wobbly, make me weak at the knees. his silky eyelashes are so fine and sweet, i have licked them.
but it's his breath that really gets me, gets me straight in the chest. it's even, it's calm, it's constant, it's moving his tummy against mine, our bodies curled into each other as he was in the womb.
some day that breath will stop. i hope i am long gone at that stage. his hair will grow, his skin will wrinkle, this beautiful taut baby skin that is translucent in places. his hands will tell his life story. but his breath will remain his constant. i hope some place in his heart or dreams he will remember these days of cuddles, sleep and peace. i hope he will go through life knowing he was loved, and is loved. i hope he will love someone as i love him, with a full and open heart.
i hope... i wish... i wear him close today to make tomorrow okay.