Monday, 22 October 2012

Tonight I...

Tonight I stayed with you longer than usual. For once.
For once I left my breast in your mouth, you sucking on in your sleep.
I didn't hurry off to go somewhere, to catch up on something, I just stayed.
I realised it's been months, many many months since I've done this.
Usually "he's asleep" and I'm off.
Your sucking lips usually empty.
Tonight they were full.
You drank and drank of me, until you stopped, sated.
Then I stayed there, looking. Just looking.
Your brow, wider. Your cheeks still as red.
Your hair, longer. Your nose still as snub.
Your baby face merging with your child face.
And it brought to mind the vision I had the night you were born,
Where your newborn features morphed behind my closed eyes to you as a schoolboy, a teen, a young man with blonde moustache. Strange and wonderful, I was awake, willing it on, willing it to never end, this vision of you in the future, when all I had at the time was a tiny red newborn. And I saw you then, as you are now.
Beautiful, fair, open, honest.
Loving straight from the heart.
When you turn to me in the dark tonight, I won't deny you what you want. I won't clamp my arm over my breast and pretend I'm sore or too tired, or tell you you've had enough.
You know when you've had enough.
My job is to give you my milk, until you don't want it any more.
That's what I've signed up for, that's my heart's promise to you.
So when my brain tells me you're too old, I'll listen to my heart.
I know you need my milk now, as much as you did one, two, three, four years ago.
You trust me, so I'll trust you.
I love you xxx

5 comments:

  1. This is really beautiful. These precious nights spent nursing are so fleeting. My little girl will be 2 shortly and I know our nursing days are numbered, so I remind myself of this constantly, especially when I am tired. Breastfeeding is one of the most fulfulling things I've ever done. thanks for posting!
    Audrey.

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  2. Beautiful Niamh. Long may it last!!

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  3. This is beautiful Niamh. For a number of reasons, I only breastfed for seven months last time. But this time around, I hope to feed for much longer, and sites like yours will be my inspiration next March and April when I'm trying to get feeding established.

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  4. Beautiful! Just what I needed to hear now with a lot of sleepless nights as my 1yr old is feeding non-stop at night these days...not too long from now she will be rolling away from me and I won't have a silky head on my chest and little hands kneading me.

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  5. Knowing I'm not the only one to occasionally clamp my arm over my breast instead of drawing my child into my loving embrace is so encouraging. And it reminds me that one day it will no longer be a choice, because my child will have moved past needing me in this way - and that helps me to cherish the moments I still have!
    -Nicole

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