For the past 4 years my remit has been simple: mother, blog. No paid work to worry about, no deadlines, everything I've done has been on my own time and in my own way. I've had the luxury of weeks and months and years living my life just how it suited me, with only children's needs challenging my plans. Actually, what plans. Everything has been spontaneous and "go with the flow".
Now I'm halfway through a diploma course, my life is marked out by fortnightly deadlines. I'm grabbing an hour here and there to study and research my business plan. I've a bigger self-imposed workload for 2016 which sees me finishing the course, launching my business and scheduling clients and talks.
To tell the truth I'm nervous about it all. I'm scared of failure, of financial commitments, of being a working mom with all that entails. The last time I worked I only had one child, now I have three and my youngest is only months old.
I'm scared of being successful, of having too much work, too many commitments taking my focus off my kids. I'm scared of being so busy that I'm not giving my full attention to them, and that I might turn around in a few years and realise they grew up while I was otherwise occupied.
Then again I'm looking forward to doing something for myself for the first time in a long time. I'm looking forward to earning money, feeling pride and achievement in my work. I want to be a role model for my children and have interests outside the domestic sphere.
And I feel guilty for just saying that, as if I should be content with mothering day in and day out. But I'm not, I always need to have something else going on.
Blah, that's just been running around in my head for a while now and I wanted to get it out. I thought of not publishing this, but I really want to hear from you all, how do you reconcile it all? The work and the kids and the juggling. Please let me know how you manage.